I am very tired right now but there's a giant monster spider in my room, directly above my bed, looking as if he's ready to jump (or fall). I'm sitting in the living room, on a chair (because that's the only furniture we've got in the living room), wondering if I might ever be able to fall asleep sitting up like this, and wondering if there are possibly any other giant monster spiders in the living room (maybe even in the crevices of the chair)or if that spider will maybe leave my room to come in here (because it's only a few feet away). I know that it seems to most people such a silly thing to be frightened of; that I could easily kill the spider or just ignore it, but I can't.

Fuuuuuuuuuuck.

So, I have been out of school for nearly a week now. I've been a little busy, though, because my dad's been in town (he lives in Alaska so I only see him a few times a year) and I've been doing things with my family. It's nice being able to take a bit of a break from responsibilities, but I still need to work on getting a job. I also just received all of my grades from the past semester and they were good. The combination of NOT being at school and knowing that I am doing well in school puts me in the mindset of thinking that perhaps I'm not wasting my time with college, after-all, to some extent.

I'm also considering applying for a study abroad program next fall, so that I can maybe go abroad next winter/spring semester. Any suggestions? I'm studying political science right now, and I'd like to go somewhere that might be interesting to that field of study, in particular, though I'd be open to any suggestions.

I meant to write an entry here before I moved out of my apartment about how ominous it felt to be in that empty place. I have moved a lot in my life, but there was something really strange about it this time. I feel that I have recently just become conscious of the fact that I've felt sort of misplaced all my life. Yesterday, I replied to a question on SoulPancake.com that sort of sums up what I mean by this, so, I'll just post that here, too.

I feel like for nearly all my life, I've never really had a home. My parents moved A LOT when I was younger, after they were divorced, and they had split-joint custody of my sister and I, which meant that we traveled back and forth between their apartments and houses every other week. Besides the fact that they both lived in so many different places, there were other people involved. My dad had several crazy girlfriends (some of them mean, one of them was an alcoholic, some of them had mean and crazy children) and my mom got remarried to a disgusting, horrible man (and before she was remarried, she mostly ignored my sister and I for several years).

Eventually, my dad ended up moving to Alaska and my mom is currently in the process of finalizing her divorce. I lived in an apartment with roommates this past school year and have just moved out. Right now I'm in an apartment with my mom, but I'm unsure about what I'm doing in the fall (when I have to go back to school -- which is a while away from this apartment, and I have no car of my own). After that, I think I want to travel abroad, though.

I say all this not to place blame on my parents for anything that's "wrong" with me now, or that was "wrong" with my childhood, but to explain that I've felt this huge lack of stability nearly all my life, and that I don't see any end to it. I'm waiting to be led to the door of someone with whom I can feel "at home" with; I'm waiting to be led "home"! I'm not really sure what "home" will be, though, or if I'll ever find it, which is why I'm just waiting to be led there, I suppose.

I don't know. It seems almost paradoxical that I can be in this state of feeling lost, I suppose, and to also feel stuck and want to travel.

Tomorrow morning I'm going to see the Dalai Lama give a talk in Indianapolis. I'm pretty excited for that! I may write about it later.