We never did too much talkin', anyway

I'm reading these things online, how to get over a break-up, and so many of them suggest getting rid of "mementos."

Should I throw away the corsage from my first prom? Should I get rid of my favorite books that are his favorite books, too? Delete all of the Bob Dylan music on my computer because he's the one who gave it to me?

He says I need to figure out who I am, as if he knows who he is. I feel weird typing this because there's a chance he might still read it. I know I'm more than old, dried up flowers and the books in my bookshelf, my iTunes music. Rationally, I know that.

But being rid of all of that makes me feel like I'm not a person. I don't understand how this isn't happening to him. I guess it was a long time ago he took down the pictures I drew for him and put away the poetry we read to each other, once. He stopped wearing the shoes I bought for him and was going to throw away the sweater I gave him even before all of this happened.

But I can't even look in the mirror and be "just me." My eyes remind me of his eyes. My mouth of his mouth.

I'm a ghost, now.

Plastic Cups, Scraps of Paper

Someday, I will write the story of my life in plastic cups.

Thirsty people will pour water into my first day of school, lemonade into the time I almost drowned, cola into the day my dog died. At parties, strangers will drink memories of my best friend and recollections of life before my mom and dad were divorced. Before bedtime, children will rinse their teeth with my tears and the discovery of my passion for learning and the scary movie I should not have seen before going to sleep.

Someday, I will write my hopes and dreams on scraps of paper.

Teenagers will solve mathematics problems above the day I join the Peace Corps and the names of my children. Winking playfully, a woman will scribble her telephone number on top of the day that I am finally able to go to India, and hand it to a handsome, smiling man. A bored secretary will doodle next to my romanticized notion of adventure.

For once, I will be more than myself. I will have an impact on strangers; I will be desired and imperative and useful. Though disposable, I will make a difference.

Until then, I am my life story, my hopes and dreams, manifest in the body of a young woman too seemingly plain for anyone to think twice about.

Still Experiencing Sufjan-Concert-Induced-High!

This hardly conveys how spectacular it all is, but I enjoyed it.

Sufjan Stevens @ the Hilbert Theatre in Indianapolis, IN -- 11/4/2010

This was the best photo I got of the evening, as our seats were pretty high up and not so near the stage. Regardless, the concert was an incredibly impressive, stunning experience. I haven't been to many concerts, and this was my first of the "indie" type (besides a couple of local shows), but I doubt that I'll ever see anything close to how terrific this was. It was undoubtedly the best performance I've ever seen.

The people that I went with made stupid jokes all night about there being too many hipsters in attendance last evening. Sufjan's show was anything but smug or snobbish or pretentious or ironic, though. Say what you will about hipsters, but if that's what these people were, their taste in music doesn't hold up to their purported ideology. The performance was intimate and exposed, distinguished, but very unassuming.

I considered turning this into some sort of concert review, but I don't feel as if explaining the show in detail would capture what it was. It was numinous, powerful artwork. I left feeling inspired.

If you ever have the chance to see him live, you should go.

grumble grumble grumble

I worked ten hours today and earned approximately $58. That's less than minimum wage. I did everyone else's shit for them, too. I feel like such a pushover.

And I'm extraordinarily lonely.

So Apt

I spent the majority of my extended weekend being too reflective and emotional and on the verge of coming up with some magnificent creative articulation of it all (or so I thought. It never came, of course). Today, I've been catching up on homework I should've been working on, mostly algebra. I've enjoyed it. Working on puzzles is sort of nice in that you can just tune out. It's been like that. I've also been listening to music, mostly Sufjan Stevens. So here I am, solving mundane mathematics equations in the library, and this hits me like a ton of bricks.

Holland, Sufjan Stevens

All the time we spent in bed
Counting miles before we set
Fall in love and fall apart
Things will end before they start

Sleeping on Lake Michigan
Factories and marching bands
Lose our clothes in summertime
Lose ourselves to lose our minds
In the summer heat, I might

Dammit, Sufjan.

The Coolest T-Shirt I Own

I need to stop buying stuff online. It's too easy. But look at this! :-D





Yeeeeeeeah!

HERE COMES THE SUN

I'm making an effort to be more creative. Any tips?

I want to be well,
I'm not fucking around.

- "I Want To Be Well," Sufjan Stevens

I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud

This is how I've been feeling, lately.


I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed---and gazed---but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

- William Wordsworth




Pensive. Vacant.

Man, I love this.



'Accident,' Winifred Casson, c. 1935

I've been e-mailing with some study abroad advisors about by-passing a requirement that I don't meet for the program that I'd like to apply for, and have been told that they're forwarding my request to whoever is in charge or can say whether or not I'll be able to apply.

I want to go to India.

I really hope that they'll let me apply. I really don't want to wait to study abroad any longer. Keeping my fingers crossed!

Right now, I miss...

Feeling like this; being this age.


This sweet face; having a dog that actually likes me.


The "simple freedom" I passed up.

I'm going to see Sufjan in November! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I'm SO EXCITED and I can't wait. Yaaaaaaaaay!!!!

"Fistful of Mercy" debut -- Easy Street West Seattle

Ben Harper, DHANI HARRISON,Joseph Arthur = my new favorite 'super-group.'

I got a hair cut, today. I look like a four-year-old cut my bangs. I'm not really sure what happened.




*sigh*

But in other news, I'm training to be a waitress tonight!

Once again, a break from school nears it's end and I feel that I've made a mistake in not traveling to Alaska. I could have made arrangements to stay with my father all summer, to collect myself and have a chance to be outdoorsy and do something exciting. Once again, though, I decided that I needed to settle down and get a job. Also like last time I got a job, though, here I am, with no money, and somewhat frustrated.

I'm trying to not make a to-do list, or even a "things I want to do" list, because I always end up feeling guilty when I haven't done any of it, and it doesn't help me to be productive, really, but I need to stop just letting things happen to me because I'm unable to articulate what I want. My plan is to state some sort of sloppy blueprint for myself for what I'd like to be doing in maybe six-months time.

If, in the next three-to-four weeks, I'm still getting "cut" from work early, and/or I'm not being scheduled to train for a new position, I need to find a new or second job.

I need to seriously consider learning to drive again.

I'd like to save up enough money to be able to go to Alaska over my winter break.

I'd like to study abroad or do a student exchange during the Spring semester. If I can study abroad at that time, then I need to start applying for scholarships as soon as I find out that I'll be able to apply for the program I want to apply for. If not, I'd like to consider doing the student exchange at that school in Maryland or maybe another state... up there... maybe, for that semester. Or maybe not do any of that and just wait to study abroad next August -- except then I'm not sure the best time to start looking into doing some internships.

I should probably talk to my academic advisor. Or at least meet him. Probably pretty soon.

I need to start exercising again. And being busy with having a life.

And maybe make some new friends.

And start waking up earlier.

And stop staying up so late.

And start being more positive and not making stupid lists like this.
but maybe this will be helpful
maybe I should do this more often

The Last Couple Days

I Starve My Belly for a Sublime Purpose

by Anna Swir


Three days
I starve my belly
so that it learns
to eat the sun.

I say to it: Belly,
I am ashamed of you. You must
spiritualize yourself. You must
eat the sun.

The belly keeps silent
for three days. It's not easy
to waken in it higher aspirations.

Yet I hope for the best.
This morning, tanning myself on the beach,
I noticed that, little by little,
it begins to shine.

This a bit silly, but I've got a tumblr now:

http://emrosdel.tumblr.com/

I want to start using THIS blog again, and I hope to when I've got some time.

But for now, I just want to post this video:



and say that I could live in that trumpet melody.

I am very tired right now but there's a giant monster spider in my room, directly above my bed, looking as if he's ready to jump (or fall). I'm sitting in the living room, on a chair (because that's the only furniture we've got in the living room), wondering if I might ever be able to fall asleep sitting up like this, and wondering if there are possibly any other giant monster spiders in the living room (maybe even in the crevices of the chair)or if that spider will maybe leave my room to come in here (because it's only a few feet away). I know that it seems to most people such a silly thing to be frightened of; that I could easily kill the spider or just ignore it, but I can't.

Fuuuuuuuuuuck.

So, I have been out of school for nearly a week now. I've been a little busy, though, because my dad's been in town (he lives in Alaska so I only see him a few times a year) and I've been doing things with my family. It's nice being able to take a bit of a break from responsibilities, but I still need to work on getting a job. I also just received all of my grades from the past semester and they were good. The combination of NOT being at school and knowing that I am doing well in school puts me in the mindset of thinking that perhaps I'm not wasting my time with college, after-all, to some extent.

I'm also considering applying for a study abroad program next fall, so that I can maybe go abroad next winter/spring semester. Any suggestions? I'm studying political science right now, and I'd like to go somewhere that might be interesting to that field of study, in particular, though I'd be open to any suggestions.

I meant to write an entry here before I moved out of my apartment about how ominous it felt to be in that empty place. I have moved a lot in my life, but there was something really strange about it this time. I feel that I have recently just become conscious of the fact that I've felt sort of misplaced all my life. Yesterday, I replied to a question on SoulPancake.com that sort of sums up what I mean by this, so, I'll just post that here, too.

I feel like for nearly all my life, I've never really had a home. My parents moved A LOT when I was younger, after they were divorced, and they had split-joint custody of my sister and I, which meant that we traveled back and forth between their apartments and houses every other week. Besides the fact that they both lived in so many different places, there were other people involved. My dad had several crazy girlfriends (some of them mean, one of them was an alcoholic, some of them had mean and crazy children) and my mom got remarried to a disgusting, horrible man (and before she was remarried, she mostly ignored my sister and I for several years).

Eventually, my dad ended up moving to Alaska and my mom is currently in the process of finalizing her divorce. I lived in an apartment with roommates this past school year and have just moved out. Right now I'm in an apartment with my mom, but I'm unsure about what I'm doing in the fall (when I have to go back to school -- which is a while away from this apartment, and I have no car of my own). After that, I think I want to travel abroad, though.

I say all this not to place blame on my parents for anything that's "wrong" with me now, or that was "wrong" with my childhood, but to explain that I've felt this huge lack of stability nearly all my life, and that I don't see any end to it. I'm waiting to be led to the door of someone with whom I can feel "at home" with; I'm waiting to be led "home"! I'm not really sure what "home" will be, though, or if I'll ever find it, which is why I'm just waiting to be led there, I suppose.

I don't know. It seems almost paradoxical that I can be in this state of feeling lost, I suppose, and to also feel stuck and want to travel.

Tomorrow morning I'm going to see the Dalai Lama give a talk in Indianapolis. I'm pretty excited for that! I may write about it later.

I suppose that if I'm going to have a blog, I might as well actually write in it sometime. I'm not sure if anyone noticed, but I have made a couple of posts and then gone back and deleted them after having them up for a while and changing my mind about what I said.

I can't decide what to do with this blog: whether or not it should have a theme or just be a sort of journal; if I should just post poetry (which would be kind of silly seeing as I rarely find myself able to write poems) or photography. I guess it doesn't really matter. I'll just post what I want to post, hopefully somewhat regularly.

I have a week left of school and I am extremely glad for this, but I'm a little bit nervous about what's going to happen this summer. I really need to get a job and am hoping to do something that I enjoy (at least a little bit), but am so desperate for anything that enjoyment is, unfortunately, not my top priority. I've applied to a bunch of food places that I really don't care to work at, but also a couple of daycares. I'd really like to work at a daycare, I think. I love kids and it seems like the type of job that has the potential to be "meaningful" in a way that serving people food isn't. I don't know, though. Honestly, I just need the money.

But I feel as if this "need" for money is in conflict with my desire to be easy-going and worldly and indulgent and ... nomadic. Maybe everyone does have to "settle down" before they can venture out, though. Maybe it is necessary to gain certain experiences before stepping into the unknown. However, then again, I might even be wasting my time and money with college. I can't help but ask myself "what if I die tomorrow?" I will have never lived, right?

"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." - Ernest Menaul

Container

Culture has bestowed to us this container—
in it we place our values, our things of merit; treasures to profit from.
Outside the container are things erroneous, pretentious; offensive. But,
though all have been instructed that outside the container
be there this misguided station, oftentimes one discovers the container to be prosaic,
and develops enthusiasm for what lies on the exterior.

There will be much anguish within those who,
straying outside the container, find splendor. How problematic
it will be to not know how to disclose this new-found perception
to those inside. For within the container,
we have evolved. Such “splendor” is dispensable,
now it has become prosaic to us; so much so that it is unseemly; distasteful.
We do not want to be conscious of it.

But, might one propose that we cast such notions aside?
The gorgeousness of what lives outside our container
is supreme! It is sublime! It is articulate! So be it,
if it is painful, if it is improper, if it is ugly—
the veracity of it is impossibly daring! and I do not wish
to live a cowardly existence.

October

In the earliest days of the autumnal season,

humble gusts of wind are stirring the foliage,

transforming the singular perfume of our summer delight

into a polyphonic pleasure.

What verve of October

captivates us so? implores one to

crave this ephemeral equinox

yet to live in it’s jubilancy for always?

But, behold! O, what bliss!

I implore you, great specter,

let this magnificent harmony

never elude me.